There's the usual: lose weight
This has been my resolution for the past few years. It doesn't really work. I wake up the first few days and I'm ready to concur the world. I make egg white breakfast burritos. I jump on whatever piece of work out equipment I currently own and watch whatever trashy show is on television. I whimper when I see, smell, or sense sugar within 50 miles. I go to sleep with a growling stomach and tell myself mind over matter.
And then a week goes by, and, honestly, I feel better! I'm irritated that I haven't lost twenty pounds, but I know it takes time. But I also have the rest of my life going on. I forget to pack carrots and apples for a long day. After a long day, I don't want to get on a bike. I certainly don't want to make dinner.
So we order out. Just once. That's okay. But there are leftovers. And I can't waste food. So I eat that for breakfast. And sometimes lunch.
Oh, and did I mention that I make cupcakes for a living? And every recipe that I have yields two dozen to three dozen cupcakes? And most people only order one dozen?
So then I have cupcakes leftover. And have I mentioned that I don't like food to go to waste?
I eat them. For breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Midnight snacks. Whatever.
I don't care anymore.
They're friggin delicious.
And then the guilt sets in. I feel worthless. Useless.
How did I let myself slip?
Why can't I have some self control?
Why is my husband even with me?
How can family, friends, and strangers not be repulsed by my appearance?
That's only week three of the new year.
So not this year. I needed something else to focus on. I'm over the self loathing. I have a 13 month old daughter and I never want her to feel once what I've been putting myself through for the last 7 years.
After milling it over for quite some time I've decided my new year's resolution is to abandon all guilt.
I will take the word "should" out of my vocabulary. I will not beat myself up over my flaws and insecurities. I won't feel like I'm less than because I have a couple of vices I haven't over come. I won't sit around for an hour after a cupcake and ask myself over and over why I ate it. I won't stand in the mirror, staring at my post baby body and wonder if my belly will ever look like it did a decade ago.
I've decided to enjoy my life without worrying about how every single action may or may not affect me in the near to far future.
This doesn't mean to live my life with reckless abandon. I will not be breaking into cars, robbing banks, or shanking someone who looks at me sideways.
But I will finally treat myself the way I treat others. And try to be my best friend instead of worst enemy.
Oh 2011. Be kind to me.
