I was up until about 2:30 last night. the last thing i focused on was...
my belly, of course!
that's what i do. the more tired i get, the more miserable i get, and then i take it out on someone/something, and that always seems to be me and whatever flaws i perceive i have at the time.
so i want to lose a real dress size this summer. what i mean is a fourteen to a twelve. i hate when people say i lost two dress sizes! no you didn't, because thirteen is a junior size and you could be a size ten and still can't fit into a thirteen.
anywhoozle, today i drank two liters of water. not sure what that's going to do, since it's so hot outside i feel like that's what my body needs. i'm nowhere near "flushing" anything out. and i had a bowl of cereal. then for dinner, chicken breast, brocoli, and brown rice.
good right?
right.
and you know what made it GREAT?
the ice cream i just ate in a waffle bowl.
it was DELICIOUS.
anyway, i currently come in at a 14. a HARD 14.
so, hopefully by september, i'll be a nice 12.
and, if not, i'll still be me and hopefully love myself for it.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Group Meditation
Became group therapy today.
I started going to group meditation last month. I love it and go almost every Sunday. It makes me walk a little slower and more purposeful afterward. I feel re energized. And the thoughts in my head don't seem to have as much power as they usually do.
But today, only two of us showed up. So we started with one meditation and then spoke for the rest of the time.
It's so fascinating realizing what plagues people. I can deal with anything tangible. I can spout of realizations and advice when needed. But then it comes to my own stuff, and it's so...
Complicated.
To me.
It seems I've had my faith shaken. Not one big catastrophic event, but a few small ones that have made me question. You know, the BIG questions.
*sighs*
The ones that can potentially keep one up at night, trying to catch a breath, with tears rolling down cheeks.
I don't have a need to control. I have a need to know. And you can't know everything. Even the big things. The potentially horrifying things.
But as I discussed this, the potentially catastrophic end all be all, our instructor smiled and said "oh, is that all?"
IS THAT ALL?!?
Yes that's all. And it's big.
She explained her beliefs of what happens once when dies, described the energy, the beginning of the transition, and the such. I stared her straight in the eyes and responded:
"That's horrifying."
"Horrifying?"
"Yes. Horrifying."
As horrifying as it was, it did get me thinking. I do believe I'm a spiritual person. I do believe I believe in God. I try to understand that things aren't always in my control and by believing in God, I truly have little control of what happens to or around me. I can see the love and beauty around me, although I wish I was aware of it more often. I was told today that I have a very strong self and grace, a word I have never used to describe myself, but I was sincerely moved that someone who is so in tune with the human spirit had recognized that in me.
But I think my real fear is losing myself. Losing who I am. Losing the things (be it people, animals, objects, etc) that make me feel whole. I constantly analyze myself and wonder who am I, what do I need to do to finally become "me" whoever/whatever that means.
I think about what I need to look like to be *this*. how I need to act to become *this*.
Although I am still at amiss as to what *this* is. Can I be okay with me and stop striving for perfection? A perfection that changes with the seasons? A perfection that is my own social construct and flows just like any other social construct in the universe?
I do believe there was a time where I was completely content with who I was. And I don't think I've changed as a person. So is it that I'm not longer looking at myself in the same construct? Is it possible for the same rebellious teen to be an amazing wife and mother?
Can I embrace the grace I have been granted?
Something to meditate on.
I started going to group meditation last month. I love it and go almost every Sunday. It makes me walk a little slower and more purposeful afterward. I feel re energized. And the thoughts in my head don't seem to have as much power as they usually do.
But today, only two of us showed up. So we started with one meditation and then spoke for the rest of the time.
It's so fascinating realizing what plagues people. I can deal with anything tangible. I can spout of realizations and advice when needed. But then it comes to my own stuff, and it's so...
Complicated.
To me.
It seems I've had my faith shaken. Not one big catastrophic event, but a few small ones that have made me question. You know, the BIG questions.
*sighs*
The ones that can potentially keep one up at night, trying to catch a breath, with tears rolling down cheeks.
I don't have a need to control. I have a need to know. And you can't know everything. Even the big things. The potentially horrifying things.
But as I discussed this, the potentially catastrophic end all be all, our instructor smiled and said "oh, is that all?"
IS THAT ALL?!?
Yes that's all. And it's big.
She explained her beliefs of what happens once when dies, described the energy, the beginning of the transition, and the such. I stared her straight in the eyes and responded:
"That's horrifying."
"Horrifying?"
"Yes. Horrifying."
As horrifying as it was, it did get me thinking. I do believe I'm a spiritual person. I do believe I believe in God. I try to understand that things aren't always in my control and by believing in God, I truly have little control of what happens to or around me. I can see the love and beauty around me, although I wish I was aware of it more often. I was told today that I have a very strong self and grace, a word I have never used to describe myself, but I was sincerely moved that someone who is so in tune with the human spirit had recognized that in me.
But I think my real fear is losing myself. Losing who I am. Losing the things (be it people, animals, objects, etc) that make me feel whole. I constantly analyze myself and wonder who am I, what do I need to do to finally become "me" whoever/whatever that means.
I think about what I need to look like to be *this*. how I need to act to become *this*.
Although I am still at amiss as to what *this* is. Can I be okay with me and stop striving for perfection? A perfection that changes with the seasons? A perfection that is my own social construct and flows just like any other social construct in the universe?
I do believe there was a time where I was completely content with who I was. And I don't think I've changed as a person. So is it that I'm not longer looking at myself in the same construct? Is it possible for the same rebellious teen to be an amazing wife and mother?
Can I embrace the grace I have been granted?
Something to meditate on.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I Should Be
Knitting.
I have been working on a scarf for my dear friend Lynne for far too long.
It's a phenomal ruby red, and I'm doing some sort of weird pattern. I can't even explain it.
But I haven't picked the bad boy up in like a month. Maybe two.
Okay, it could be three.
I don't know.
I constantly want to create. I want to be crafty. I look at all the things in my house I want to paint. I stare at my front lawn and imagine digging everything up, starting from scratch. I want to be a multi-tasker/multi-talented human being.
But, instead, I nap and play sudoku.
There is something wrong this picture.
I suppose my goal for this week shall be picking up my needles again, and at least cranking out a couple of rows.
I'm not saying my entire friendship rides on this scarf (since she is my daughter's god mother) but this could affect their future dance parties.
I have been working on a scarf for my dear friend Lynne for far too long.
It's a phenomal ruby red, and I'm doing some sort of weird pattern. I can't even explain it.
But I haven't picked the bad boy up in like a month. Maybe two.
Okay, it could be three.
I don't know.
I constantly want to create. I want to be crafty. I look at all the things in my house I want to paint. I stare at my front lawn and imagine digging everything up, starting from scratch. I want to be a multi-tasker/multi-talented human being.
But, instead, I nap and play sudoku.
There is something wrong this picture.
I suppose my goal for this week shall be picking up my needles again, and at least cranking out a couple of rows.
I'm not saying my entire friendship rides on this scarf (since she is my daughter's god mother) but this could affect their future dance parties.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
My daughter chases seagulls.
My inlaws are absolutely amazing.
Case in point: For Christmas they gave us a week vacation in Myrtle Beach. I haven't worked in over a year since Lilaboo was born and money is always strapped, so the idea of a vacation never crossed my mind.
But we packed up the car and headed north.
To backtrack, I came down with the flu a week before we left. I was still dealing with the end of it the entire time. Oh, and Myrtle Beach in February isn't exactly warm.
Let's call it brisk.
I wasn't trying to let it stand in the way of a good time, though. It was Lily's first real time at the beach and I wanted to enjoy the change of scenary.
Sometimes the little family together reminds you how incredibly lucky you are. Everything else just ends up being "eh, we'll figure it out." This is the important stuff.
We only stayed four days. We had one warm day, and by that I mean 52 glorious degrees. I also got there with the flu and left with a painful sinus infection, but it was worth it.
Could being a size 4 be as amazing as this?
Doubt it.
Case in point: For Christmas they gave us a week vacation in Myrtle Beach. I haven't worked in over a year since Lilaboo was born and money is always strapped, so the idea of a vacation never crossed my mind.
But we packed up the car and headed north.
To backtrack, I came down with the flu a week before we left. I was still dealing with the end of it the entire time. Oh, and Myrtle Beach in February isn't exactly warm.
Let's call it brisk.
I wasn't trying to let it stand in the way of a good time, though. It was Lily's first real time at the beach and I wanted to enjoy the change of scenary.
Sometimes the little family together reminds you how incredibly lucky you are. Everything else just ends up being "eh, we'll figure it out." This is the important stuff.
We only stayed four days. We had one warm day, and by that I mean 52 glorious degrees. I also got there with the flu and left with a painful sinus infection, but it was worth it.
Could being a size 4 be as amazing as this?
Doubt it.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A new year, A new leaf
So I know it's the 15th of January, but I didn't come up with my new year's resolution until yesterday.
There's the usual: lose weight
This has been my resolution for the past few years. It doesn't really work. I wake up the first few days and I'm ready to concur the world. I make egg white breakfast burritos. I jump on whatever piece of work out equipment I currently own and watch whatever trashy show is on television. I whimper when I see, smell, or sense sugar within 50 miles. I go to sleep with a growling stomach and tell myself mind over matter.
And then a week goes by, and, honestly, I feel better! I'm irritated that I haven't lost twenty pounds, but I know it takes time. But I also have the rest of my life going on. I forget to pack carrots and apples for a long day. After a long day, I don't want to get on a bike. I certainly don't want to make dinner.
So we order out. Just once. That's okay. But there are leftovers. And I can't waste food. So I eat that for breakfast. And sometimes lunch.
Oh, and did I mention that I make cupcakes for a living? And every recipe that I have yields two dozen to three dozen cupcakes? And most people only order one dozen?
So then I have cupcakes leftover. And have I mentioned that I don't like food to go to waste?
I eat them. For breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Midnight snacks. Whatever.
I don't care anymore.
And then the guilt sets in. I feel worthless. Useless.
How did I let myself slip?
Why can't I have some self control?
Why is my husband even with me?
How can family, friends, and strangers not be repulsed by my appearance?
That's only week three of the new year.
So not this year. I needed something else to focus on. I'm over the self loathing. I have a 13 month old daughter and I never want her to feel once what I've been putting myself through for the last 7 years.
After milling it over for quite some time I've decided my new year's resolution is to abandon all guilt.
I will take the word "should" out of my vocabulary. I will not beat myself up over my flaws and insecurities. I won't feel like I'm less than because I have a couple of vices I haven't over come. I won't sit around for an hour after a cupcake and ask myself over and over why I ate it. I won't stand in the mirror, staring at my post baby body and wonder if my belly will ever look like it did a decade ago.
There's the usual: lose weight
This has been my resolution for the past few years. It doesn't really work. I wake up the first few days and I'm ready to concur the world. I make egg white breakfast burritos. I jump on whatever piece of work out equipment I currently own and watch whatever trashy show is on television. I whimper when I see, smell, or sense sugar within 50 miles. I go to sleep with a growling stomach and tell myself mind over matter.
And then a week goes by, and, honestly, I feel better! I'm irritated that I haven't lost twenty pounds, but I know it takes time. But I also have the rest of my life going on. I forget to pack carrots and apples for a long day. After a long day, I don't want to get on a bike. I certainly don't want to make dinner.
So we order out. Just once. That's okay. But there are leftovers. And I can't waste food. So I eat that for breakfast. And sometimes lunch.
Oh, and did I mention that I make cupcakes for a living? And every recipe that I have yields two dozen to three dozen cupcakes? And most people only order one dozen?
So then I have cupcakes leftover. And have I mentioned that I don't like food to go to waste?
I eat them. For breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Midnight snacks. Whatever.
I don't care anymore.
They're friggin delicious.
And then the guilt sets in. I feel worthless. Useless.
How did I let myself slip?
Why can't I have some self control?
Why is my husband even with me?
How can family, friends, and strangers not be repulsed by my appearance?
That's only week three of the new year.
So not this year. I needed something else to focus on. I'm over the self loathing. I have a 13 month old daughter and I never want her to feel once what I've been putting myself through for the last 7 years.
After milling it over for quite some time I've decided my new year's resolution is to abandon all guilt.
I will take the word "should" out of my vocabulary. I will not beat myself up over my flaws and insecurities. I won't feel like I'm less than because I have a couple of vices I haven't over come. I won't sit around for an hour after a cupcake and ask myself over and over why I ate it. I won't stand in the mirror, staring at my post baby body and wonder if my belly will ever look like it did a decade ago.
I've decided to enjoy my life without worrying about how every single action may or may not affect me in the near to far future.
This doesn't mean to live my life with reckless abandon. I will not be breaking into cars, robbing banks, or shanking someone who looks at me sideways.
But I will finally treat myself the way I treat others. And try to be my best friend instead of worst enemy.
Oh 2011. Be kind to me.
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