LWTF: Day 2

Life without the facebook. Day 2:

*Put Lola down for her nap
*Helped Lilaboo with her homework
*Finished up dinner
*Ate dinner with the family huddled in the living room
*Watched labor/delivery shows with Lil
*Watched youtube videos about hair
*Figured out my new hair cut
*Soaked my hair in coconut oil
*Brushed my teeth and washed my face
*Weighed myself :(
*Figured out what to do with Maribeth
*Mailed off letters
*Finished a book

Today I realized I think in facebook statuses. I'm not sure if this is because of facebook or if I always did and facebook simply gave me the platform.

I like quips. Short stories. A beginning, an end, and something meaningful, or at the very least amusing, in between. I like taking a segment of time and analyzing it. Showing how the characters got there, but never assuming I know where they'll go. Because who could ever know where anyone is going? Even characters you've made up in your mind.

I try to change my hair every season. Sometimes it's simple, sometimes it's dramatic. This winter really has me in a funk so I decided I'd dye my hair from aquamarine to bubblegum pink, as if somehow my hair color can will the warmth and sunshine to come back. Maybe when I see it in the mirror my internal temp will rise a few degrees. I'm here in Atlanta and the high today was twenty-five degrees.

This is not why I have chosen the South for my home. Hence why the entire family was huddled together in the living room for warmth, eating hot soup, and still freezing our faces off.

No matter how cold it is Lola Darling hates hats.

Even if it's Hello Kitty 

I spent most of the evening figuring out how to touch up the bleach job I butchered last week. I have a very real fear that my hair will melt if I leave bleach on for too long. Major sections of green weren't budging while other parts of my hair were well on their way to high yellow. So I rinsed it out. Put the pink on, and, luckily some parts turned pink and in green parts turned a nice brown.

But it wasn't what I wanted.

I searched pinterest and youtube for color correction and figured my usual two step process would probably be closer to four. So I covered my hair with coconut oil and a prayer. I then covered my pillow with an old scarf and I kept it on all night.

Daniel came to bed around 10:30. I asked him if he was going straight to sleep. His eyebrows raised, intrigued, as if I was going to offer a good time.

I told him I wanted to read and didn't want the light to bother him.

He turned over.

I read gloriously for an hour.

AND FINISHED MY BOOK.

This book is amazing. It's a quick read with something honest and inspiring on every page. I would recommend it to anyone. Even those who wouldn't consider themselves creative. Who does that anyway?

Life without the Facebook: Day 1

I gave up the facebook for Lent. This is what I did instead. 

Day 1: 

*answered emails

*RSVP'd to my little sister's wedding

*texted with Michele about her 5k

*cleared out over 300 emails from one account

*updated our shop schedule for March

*paid my credit card

*cuddled with the kiddos on the couch

*read part of a book

*boiled eggs

*prepped dinner for tomorrow

*put together a puzzle with Lilaboo twice

*ordered Daniel a new phone

(By the way, I would like to reiterate that this list is what I did INSTEAD of facebook. Not what I did all day. I still have my daily grind of dropping Lilaboo off at school, going to the shop, picking up Lilaboo from school, and then coming home to a working husband and a toddler ready to party.) 

Thank goodness I deleted the app from my phone the night before. I didn't realize how many times I absentmindedly scrolled through and clicked on the icon wherever I was. In my car after I park somewhere. When I get home from work. When I'm in bed waiting for slumber. When the girls are running around the house creating utter chaos. 

I also got new pillows from Amazon, meaning the girls got a new time machine/bed/car/box to scream in.

It's something that takes me out of my current space, for whatever reason I feel the need to escape. 

But today my computer was open and facebook was not a tab, so I put my head down and went through all of my emails in my yahoo account. One of them being the rsvp for my sister's wedding. It was stuck in a sea of ads from websites I've ordered a single thing off of and in my amateur move, forgot to uncheck the "I want all of your spammy emails multiple times a day because I have all the money and all the time in the WORLD."

I will say I feel like today was exhausting, like most. I was tired, which is usually when I crawl into bed, scroll through facebook, and call it a day. 

Today I was on the couch with the girls, figured dinner won't fix itself (for tomorrow), prepped, and put everything together in the crockpot for chicken tortilla soup. I also boiled eggs because Daniel has been asking for tuna salad. I figured boiling the eggs is the hardest part, so once I get that done, I'll just throw the rest together. 

I wonder if I'm lulling myself into a false sense of productivity. Like if my first three days are going to be incredibly beneficial and I'll feel like super woman, but by day four my lists are going to start reading "stared at the ceiling, still hiding quietly from my family, praying no one will find me." I guess we'll just see how this pans out. 

OH DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THAT "read part of a book" ON MY LIST?! DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN THAT HAPPENS? BY THE CAPS I'M SURE YOU CAN GUESS. 

Life is okay. 

I'm only Catholic for Lent.

I had a lot of Catholic friends growing up. Very few went to church, but they would attend youth group, get confirmed, and, of course, discuss the illusive Lent.

From what I could figure, Lent was a big deal. You picked something you really liked and then consciously stopped yourself from having it for forty days. It didn't seem like much fun, but being a part of a group that gets to commiserate together seemed pretty sweet.

I, however, didn't start practicing Lent until about five years ago. My husband is Catholic. We go to Christmas Mass with his family every Christmas Eve and then we all go to dinner. I went to Easter vigil once. ONCE. I feel God, Jesus, and I have an understanding about that. But that's as far as Catholicism intertwines with our daily lives.

We have been together for almost eleven years now, but one February, after the birth of Lilaboo, I asked him if he was giving anything up for Lent.

He looked confused.

I think if you're born into Catholicism, you look at Lent simply as a time of the year where you deny yourself something you like. But for me, especially after taking up meditation, I wanted to use it as a growing experience. As a way to take a step in the right direction, that step toward the proverbial ledge. I don't know if I'll ever completely fall over the edge, with the full belief that *something* will catch me, but any step that I can take to stop connecting with things that are physically tangible and to start giving myself the space to connect to what can't be seen, is a good thing.

So I decided it was as good a time as any for me to get rid of a nasty habit. Luckily, with my undying anxiety and good ol fashioned Catholic guilt I must have picked up through osmosis, I figured if I promised Jesus something I would be much more likely to stick to it than if I just promised myself.

I mean, Jesus fasted, wandered a desert for 40 days, and endured temptations from Satan.

I can live happily in my little house and give up sweets.

So that's what I did.

Daniel, by the way, did nothing. He somehow rubbed all the Catholic guilt onto me and has been walking around squeaky clean ever since.

I went a painstaking month and a half without sweets. This included the Sundays which I didn't know until the end of Lent you could take off. Well, what's the fun in that? Did Jesus take Sundays off in the desert? I think not.

Then I baked the entire Saturday before Easter. Easter evening I invited a bunch of other people over with baked goods and we gorged ourselves on chocolate until I was almost sick.

I don't know what Jesus did after he came back from the dessert, but eating double chocolate brownies topped with marshmallows and chocolate buttercream frosting should have been on his short list.

And there it was. My first lent down in the history books.

I tried Lent one more time after, once again food focused because it's always been my crutch. I decided to have no carbs for forty days (so en vogue at the time) but my panic disorder wouldn't allow me to deal with the lightheadedness, the stomach churning as my body attempted to break down all that protein and fat, and the literal sweats I would break out in after every meal. I had so much guilt. It took me days of whining to Daniel before I finally gave in. I figured Jesus didn't want me to have constant panic attacks. Also, bread is delicious.

And there it was. My second lent broken and my spiritual growth put on hiatus as I ate all the cookies.

I don't know why, but I started thinking about Lent at the beginning of February this year. If I did participate what would I give up? By now, I have gotten a better grip on using food as a crutch and have lost about thirty-five pounds in the last year. So what am I addicted to?

I smoke on occasion, still a nasty habit from my younger infallible days. I drink on occasion, but, honestly, I get so worried about a potential headache the next day, I rarely partake these days.

So now I had to start wondering, what do I do that stops me from doing what I feel like I could be doing. I own a business, I have a husband, I now have two children, I know I don't have a lot of time to flitter about the city. But what is stopping me from even putting a dent in my projects? Why is Lola Darling almost two and her baby blanket still isn't finished? I didn't want to say it, but I had to admit.

I was spending far too much time on the Facebook. I was talking to people who I love all day, but I was getting into fights, reading articles that depressed me, talking about people I didn't like, and putting a lot of my energy into this mythical world instead of being present in the finite amount of time I've got left here.

The night of the 16th of February, I uninstalled facebook and messenger from my phone. I gave everyone my email address and phone number, said don't be a stranger, and left.

The night of the 17th, I picked up a notebook I received at a workshop and decided I would write down everything I did each day instead of being on the facebook.

This notebook

The night of the 18th, I decided to brush off this old blog and start writing about my experiences.

And here we are. My third Lent. Let's see how this all turns out.

two steps forward...

I was up until about 2:30 last night. the last thing i focused on was...

my belly, of course!

that's what i do. the more tired i get, the more miserable i get, and then i take it out on someone/something, and that always seems to be me and whatever flaws i perceive i have at the time.

so i want to lose a real dress size this summer. what i mean is a fourteen to a twelve. i hate when people say i lost two dress sizes! no you didn't, because thirteen is a junior size and you could be a size ten and still can't fit into a thirteen.

anywhoozle, today i drank two liters of water. not sure what that's going to do, since it's so hot outside i feel like that's what my body needs. i'm nowhere near "flushing" anything out. and i had a bowl of cereal. then for dinner, chicken breast, brocoli, and brown rice.

good right?

right.

and you know what made it GREAT?

the ice cream i just ate in a waffle bowl.

it was DELICIOUS.

anyway, i currently come in at a 14. a HARD 14.

so, hopefully by september, i'll be a nice 12.

and, if not, i'll still be me and hopefully love myself for it.

Luscious

Yes.

Just say the word.

I'm embracing it. I suggest you do the same.

Group Meditation

Became group therapy today.

I started going to group meditation last month. I love it and go almost every Sunday. It makes me walk a little slower and more purposeful afterward. I feel re energized. And the thoughts in my head don't seem to have as much power as they usually do.

But today, only two of us showed up. So we started with one meditation and then spoke for the rest of the time.

It's so fascinating realizing what plagues people. I can deal with anything tangible. I can spout of realizations and advice when needed. But then it comes to my own stuff, and it's so...

Complicated.

To me.

It seems I've had my faith shaken. Not one big catastrophic event, but a few small ones that have made me question. You know, the BIG questions.

*sighs*

The ones that can potentially keep one up at night, trying to catch a breath, with tears rolling down cheeks.

I don't have a need to control. I have a need to know. And you can't know everything. Even the big things. The potentially horrifying things.

But as I discussed this, the potentially catastrophic end all be all, our instructor smiled and said "oh, is that all?"

IS THAT ALL?!?

Yes that's all. And it's big.

She explained her beliefs of what happens once when dies, described the energy, the beginning of the transition, and the such. I stared her straight in the eyes and responded:

"That's horrifying."

"Horrifying?"

"Yes. Horrifying."

As horrifying as it was, it did get me thinking. I do believe I'm a spiritual person. I do believe I believe in God. I try to understand that things aren't always in my control and by believing in God, I truly have little control of what happens to or around me. I can see the love and beauty around me, although I wish I was aware of it more often. I was told today that I have a very strong self and grace, a word I have never used to describe myself, but I was sincerely moved that someone who is so in tune with the human spirit had recognized that in me.

But I think my real fear is losing myself. Losing who I am. Losing the things (be it people, animals, objects, etc) that make me feel whole. I constantly analyze myself and wonder who am I, what do I need to do to finally become "me" whoever/whatever that means.

I think about what I need to look like to be *this*. how I need to act to become *this*.

Although I am still at amiss as to what *this* is. Can I be okay with me and stop striving for perfection? A perfection that changes with the seasons? A perfection that is my own social construct and flows just like any other social construct in the universe?

I do believe there was a time where I was completely content with who I was. And I don't think I've changed as a person. So is it that I'm not longer looking at myself in the same construct? Is it possible for the same rebellious teen to be an amazing wife and mother?

Can I embrace the grace I have been granted?

Something to meditate on.

I Should Be

Knitting.

I have been working on a scarf for my dear friend Lynne for far too long.

It's a phenomal ruby red, and I'm doing some sort of weird pattern. I can't even explain it.

But I haven't picked the bad boy up in like a month. Maybe two.

Okay, it could be three.

I don't know.

I constantly want to create. I want to be crafty. I look at all the things in my house I want to paint. I stare at my front lawn and imagine digging everything up, starting from scratch. I want to be a multi-tasker/multi-talented human being.

But, instead, I nap and play sudoku.

There is something wrong this picture.

I suppose my goal for this week shall be picking up my needles again, and at least cranking out a couple of rows.

I'm not saying my entire friendship rides on this scarf (since she is my daughter's god mother) but this could affect their future dance parties.