I'm only Catholic for Lent.

I had a lot of Catholic friends growing up. Very few went to church, but they would attend youth group, get confirmed, and, of course, discuss the illusive Lent.

From what I could figure, Lent was a big deal. You picked something you really liked and then consciously stopped yourself from having it for forty days. It didn't seem like much fun, but being a part of a group that gets to commiserate together seemed pretty sweet.

I, however, didn't start practicing Lent until about five years ago. My husband is Catholic. We go to Christmas Mass with his family every Christmas Eve and then we all go to dinner. I went to Easter vigil once. ONCE. I feel God, Jesus, and I have an understanding about that. But that's as far as Catholicism intertwines with our daily lives.

We have been together for almost eleven years now, but one February, after the birth of Lilaboo, I asked him if he was giving anything up for Lent.

He looked confused.

I think if you're born into Catholicism, you look at Lent simply as a time of the year where you deny yourself something you like. But for me, especially after taking up meditation, I wanted to use it as a growing experience. As a way to take a step in the right direction, that step toward the proverbial ledge. I don't know if I'll ever completely fall over the edge, with the full belief that *something* will catch me, but any step that I can take to stop connecting with things that are physically tangible and to start giving myself the space to connect to what can't be seen, is a good thing.

So I decided it was as good a time as any for me to get rid of a nasty habit. Luckily, with my undying anxiety and good ol fashioned Catholic guilt I must have picked up through osmosis, I figured if I promised Jesus something I would be much more likely to stick to it than if I just promised myself.

I mean, Jesus fasted, wandered a desert for 40 days, and endured temptations from Satan.

I can live happily in my little house and give up sweets.

So that's what I did.

Daniel, by the way, did nothing. He somehow rubbed all the Catholic guilt onto me and has been walking around squeaky clean ever since.

I went a painstaking month and a half without sweets. This included the Sundays which I didn't know until the end of Lent you could take off. Well, what's the fun in that? Did Jesus take Sundays off in the desert? I think not.

Then I baked the entire Saturday before Easter. Easter evening I invited a bunch of other people over with baked goods and we gorged ourselves on chocolate until I was almost sick.

I don't know what Jesus did after he came back from the dessert, but eating double chocolate brownies topped with marshmallows and chocolate buttercream frosting should have been on his short list.

And there it was. My first lent down in the history books.

I tried Lent one more time after, once again food focused because it's always been my crutch. I decided to have no carbs for forty days (so en vogue at the time) but my panic disorder wouldn't allow me to deal with the lightheadedness, the stomach churning as my body attempted to break down all that protein and fat, and the literal sweats I would break out in after every meal. I had so much guilt. It took me days of whining to Daniel before I finally gave in. I figured Jesus didn't want me to have constant panic attacks. Also, bread is delicious.

And there it was. My second lent broken and my spiritual growth put on hiatus as I ate all the cookies.

I don't know why, but I started thinking about Lent at the beginning of February this year. If I did participate what would I give up? By now, I have gotten a better grip on using food as a crutch and have lost about thirty-five pounds in the last year. So what am I addicted to?

I smoke on occasion, still a nasty habit from my younger infallible days. I drink on occasion, but, honestly, I get so worried about a potential headache the next day, I rarely partake these days.

So now I had to start wondering, what do I do that stops me from doing what I feel like I could be doing. I own a business, I have a husband, I now have two children, I know I don't have a lot of time to flitter about the city. But what is stopping me from even putting a dent in my projects? Why is Lola Darling almost two and her baby blanket still isn't finished? I didn't want to say it, but I had to admit.

I was spending far too much time on the Facebook. I was talking to people who I love all day, but I was getting into fights, reading articles that depressed me, talking about people I didn't like, and putting a lot of my energy into this mythical world instead of being present in the finite amount of time I've got left here.

The night of the 16th of February, I uninstalled facebook and messenger from my phone. I gave everyone my email address and phone number, said don't be a stranger, and left.

The night of the 17th, I picked up a notebook I received at a workshop and decided I would write down everything I did each day instead of being on the facebook.

This notebook

The night of the 18th, I decided to brush off this old blog and start writing about my experiences.

And here we are. My third Lent. Let's see how this all turns out.