Group Meditation

Became group therapy today.

I started going to group meditation last month. I love it and go almost every Sunday. It makes me walk a little slower and more purposeful afterward. I feel re energized. And the thoughts in my head don't seem to have as much power as they usually do.

But today, only two of us showed up. So we started with one meditation and then spoke for the rest of the time.

It's so fascinating realizing what plagues people. I can deal with anything tangible. I can spout of realizations and advice when needed. But then it comes to my own stuff, and it's so...

Complicated.

To me.

It seems I've had my faith shaken. Not one big catastrophic event, but a few small ones that have made me question. You know, the BIG questions.

*sighs*

The ones that can potentially keep one up at night, trying to catch a breath, with tears rolling down cheeks.

I don't have a need to control. I have a need to know. And you can't know everything. Even the big things. The potentially horrifying things.

But as I discussed this, the potentially catastrophic end all be all, our instructor smiled and said "oh, is that all?"

IS THAT ALL?!?

Yes that's all. And it's big.

She explained her beliefs of what happens once when dies, described the energy, the beginning of the transition, and the such. I stared her straight in the eyes and responded:

"That's horrifying."

"Horrifying?"

"Yes. Horrifying."

As horrifying as it was, it did get me thinking. I do believe I'm a spiritual person. I do believe I believe in God. I try to understand that things aren't always in my control and by believing in God, I truly have little control of what happens to or around me. I can see the love and beauty around me, although I wish I was aware of it more often. I was told today that I have a very strong self and grace, a word I have never used to describe myself, but I was sincerely moved that someone who is so in tune with the human spirit had recognized that in me.

But I think my real fear is losing myself. Losing who I am. Losing the things (be it people, animals, objects, etc) that make me feel whole. I constantly analyze myself and wonder who am I, what do I need to do to finally become "me" whoever/whatever that means.

I think about what I need to look like to be *this*. how I need to act to become *this*.

Although I am still at amiss as to what *this* is. Can I be okay with me and stop striving for perfection? A perfection that changes with the seasons? A perfection that is my own social construct and flows just like any other social construct in the universe?

I do believe there was a time where I was completely content with who I was. And I don't think I've changed as a person. So is it that I'm not longer looking at myself in the same construct? Is it possible for the same rebellious teen to be an amazing wife and mother?

Can I embrace the grace I have been granted?

Something to meditate on.